Parterapi (Couples Therapy) - It May Save Your Marriage
Divorce rates in Denmark are among the highest in the world, making the word "parterapi", Danish for couples therapy, of vital importance to a great number of Danish couples
Parterapi is regarded by many I've spoken to as a last ditch effort. After a long period marked by great dissatisfaction, one is almost ready for divorce. Long talks and arguments haven't helped. Neither has speaking with friends and relatives, priests and bartenders. All the good advice one gets seems difficult to apply and one is close to giving up.
Parterapi is seen by many as the last resort. The final step in an heroic attempt at saving a realtionship on the brink of failure. Having to pay for outside help is also painful. And is it worth the money ?...
When a couple, after many deliberations, finally decides to visit a couples therapist, their expectations are often quite different. The one may already have given up and hopes for help (or courage?) to end the painful situation. Perhaps the man (or woman) doesn't really want to, but lets him/herself be "dragged" into therapy because there are no good arguments left but he/she doesn't want to be the one seen as responsible for the fiasco.
Many come believing that copuples therapy is about getting quick advice on how to improve communication or other behaviors so that everything can get back to the way it was.
- and many are told, to their surprise, that the therapist cannot offer a magical cure. They discover that they need to begin a period of hard work and that the help they can get from a therapist consists of guidance and support in the rebuiding of a stable and trustful relationship. They also discover that it may take more time than they thought and that the work involved may be harder than anticipated and that progress may not be smooth but that relapses can be expected. Hopefully they will share laughter and tears along the way and find the courage to continue.
It takes courage to reveal oneself to another. Courage to share one's thoughts and aspirations, courage to share one's innermost feelings. It takes courage to show one's strengths and weaknesses and courage to stand up - fearful and without protection - and encounter another, open and vulnerable.
It may not be surprising that so many couples do not attempt therapy. Or give up after only a few tries.
For those who make it through, the pain and effort are well worth the reward. An increase in self confidence, self assurance and optimism about the relationship and about life in general are often the result. The couple leaves equipped with strategies for ways of solving problems and disagreements and smoothing out difficulties. They gain insights into their own resources and into new ways of confronting each other, life and the world around them. They learn to treasure their differences.
And often they ponder: "What made us wait so long?", "I wish we had known all this long ago", "Just thionk of how happy we could have been all this time.", "If only we had known"
Having marital problems? Ilan Wolffberg is an American parterapi expert and has been residing in Denmark for over 30 years. Check out his take on couples therapy at "What About Couples Therapy?" and in Danish at "Hvad med parterapi?"
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