Couples Therapy & Marriage Counseling: Why Bother and What to Expect
What beats being in love? And what makes you feel worse than being in combat with your lover? No one knows how to push your buttons better than the one person you have trusted with your story - your fears, wishes and hopes. Your closest friend can be your deadliest opponent, sometimes by simply withdrawing their affection, validation, or connection.
What makes couples counseling such a frightening prospect that we delay it until the last possible minute? What we will think when we talk about relationship counseling?
Many of the calls we get for counseling assistance are the direct result of a recent partner "meltdown". And two sorts of calls are very common. The most common is from a desperate partner in pain who wants to save the relationship. This person, most often the female partner, wants outside help to mediate the couple problems. She is ready to make an appointment, but often states "I have to talk to my husband/boyfriend first." About 75 percents call back.
This first call comes earlier in the relationship, and often a couple coming in at that point finds counseling to be a positive, successful, and sometimes even enjoyable experience. They find that many other couples are having the similar problems, and that solutions are readily available. In lots of cases, they rediscover respect and friendship, and reawaken the romance and intimacy of their early times together.
The second common call is from the other partner, most often the male, and usually several years later in relationship. That call goes something like this. "I want to set up a counseling appointment immediately, today if possible. My wife/girlfriend and I just separated after a big fight. She says she is finished with the relationship."
Sometimes, the second call can also result in a positive outcome, but the trail is much more difficult. Counseling begins after one partner already feels hopeless, defeated and ready to leave. Both partners have inflicted and received a great deal of emotional damage. Couples are generally polarized on major issues, and may have aligned children, family members and friends into opposing camps. In this situation it is much more difficult for the couple to rebuild the trust, respect, warmth, friendship and intimacy that they desire.
Sometimes the gender roles are reversed, but the essence of the calls is the same. Here are some reasons couples are not willing to go for couples counseling:
"It would be embarrassing to talk about the things I might have done wrong, and to have my partner attacking me in front of a third party."
"I don't want to be seen as the bad guy. I can't speak as eloquently, or forcefully as my partner, and I'll just get raked over the coals."
"We've had these arguments a hundred times and it never goes anywhere. I should not pay money to go through these painful arguments again!"
"My spouse will never change. Why should I bother? Everything I tried is useless."
"I've tried to change, and I can't. I just keep repeating the same mistakes. I may as well give up."
"Maybe the problems will just go away."
With these expectations, why would anyone want to try counseling? I'll offer a different perspective of what couples counseling might be like, based on my real life experience - hundreds of hours of couple sessions.
Your counselor can also help you explore the difficulties in your relationship. They can understand each of your positions, without taking sides, and help you identify the unmet needs, and the fears and resentments that sabotage your relationship. They can help you understand and observe the negative, repetitive cycles that cause you both so much pain. And a good counselor can help you change that negative pattern both in the session as it is occurring and at home.
A good counselor should be curious and truely interested in both of you as individuals. A skilled counselor will help you answer the questions, such as what attracted you to each other in the first place? And what has kept you together even through your difficulties? How have you managed to overcome conflicts and problems in the past?
Couples counseling is not always an easy process. It can be exhausting and frightening to challenge your known, and painful, ways of being with each other. It takes courage to recognize how you each have contributed to problems, and it requires effort and integrity to recommit to a more healthy and loving relationship. And the reward for this courage and commitment will be growth, and a blossoming of the respect, friendship, humor, and love that brought you together initially.
Charles Wallace, licensed marriage and family therapist, is the founder and executive director of Affordable Counseling Connection, LLC, a company in the Boulder/Denver metro areas of Colorado that connects clients with affordable marriage, family, and mental health therapists and counselors. Contact Charles through the Affordable Counseling Connection website.
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