Supporting Your Children Through Your Divorce
When things go wrong in a marriage it is often wondered if the couple involved should stay together for the children. The fact of the matter is that it's not the separation that does the most damage, it's the living in a war zone that affects the kids. Nobody wants to live in a world that swings from stony silence to screaming fits and back again. Even if it's not that extreme children can sense when things aren't as they should be and may even wonder if it's something they've done.
During divorce proceedings try to make sure the children know what is going on. Explain it in terms they can understand. They need to know how they will be affected and reassured that you will do your best to keep their lives as unchanged as possible. Try to avoid a situation where they will have to leave their school and friends at the same time as seeing their parents separate.
They should be reassured that the changes going on are due to nothing they have done. Many children wonder if they are to blame and it can take a lot of repeating to actually get it through to them that their parents can no longer stay together because of how the parents feel and not because they've done or said something to cause the rift.
One of the worst thing that can happen to a child during the divorce process is to find themselves torn between the two parents wondering if they should be siding with one or the other. Never confide in your child no matter how old they are. Find an understanding friend to share your troubles with. Your child needs to be able to freely love both parents.
Schools and other organisations that the children attend can help keep you informed about any changes in their behaviour and can be a great source of information on how the children are coping with the changes. They may feel the need to hide their emotions at home as you seem to have enough on your plate. Keep the teachers up to date with what is going on in their family lives. There is no shame in divorce these days - around 1 in 3 children will go through their parents' separation.
All this is very well as long as both parents are prepared to play ball. If your ex-partner is being awkward in any way then admit to your children that you do not agree with the way they are behaving without actually putting the other partner down. This is a really difficult situation to be in but try not to drag the children into the argument.
Rarely is shared custody awarded to parents these days so there will be just the one principle carer. Children need to know, however, that both parents still want to be a part of their lives. For the person who does not have principle care it is important that your children know your home is theirs too. Make a space fro their belongings to stay for when they visit.
It can be awkward when, once the divorce is over, one of the parents finds a new partner - assuming that a new partner wasn't the reason for the divorce. The initial introduction is probably best done as a friend rather than lover. Children will have a chance of developing a relationship without the fear of upsetting the other parent before they are told that the new friend is rather more than that.
The children will also want both parents to be involved in the important events in their lives from nativity plays to exam results. If you are the principle carer make sure the other parent knows about these events and how to get tickets or what date results are due so they can also make the effort to be there. At the end of the day, even though your marriage has ended and the divorce has come through, you are in a partnership for life as two parents for each child born out of that marriage.
About the Author: Clare Denton helps couples handle divorce. Here she talks about the impact of divorce and children . For online support visit her site at Divorce Advice
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